I was in line at Duane Reade, minding my own business, when the universe decided to fuck with me. I spilled my hazelnut latte down my sweatshirt, walked into a fart cloud, and watched some ugly little kid point at me while asking his mom, “Why does that lady look like a man?”
None of these events affected my cheer because it was Saturday, my favorite day. Every Saturday of every week ever, I spend three hours beautifying myself, transforming from a barnacle encrusted bridge troll into Beyoncé’s baby sister. Most Saturday mornings I need to buy tools for the Princess Diaries level makeover, like depilatory creams to melt my vagina hairs away. Yep, it’s going to be one of those articles. Sorry, Dad!
Pubes are fine or whatever, if you like pubes, but I just feel prettier without them… or without most of them. It’s not really necessary to be completely bald anyway, so I certainly don’t want to suffer for it.
As far as grooming is concerned, shaving is THE WORST. No thank you. With shaving comes razor burn, and ingrown hairs, and noooo, and instant regret. Nothing good comes from slicing a knife along your crevices.
Another popular hair-removal option is waxing, which I would like to assume is the worst from a safe distance. I prefer not to let strangers touch my vagina in general, let alone pour hot wax on it and then rip out my butt hairs. I don’t care how many of you try to convert me into your weird society of Barbie doll genitals; I have absolutely no desire to try waxing.
The least masochistic method for pubic elimination – and my favorite method - is to literally melt the pubes away. Nair is my favorite depilatory at the moment (mostly because I haven’t been able to find Veet at the drugstore), and I’ve become particularly obsessed with this new product meant for underarms and bikini lines. This cream seems scary at first, just like hair relaxers and mustache bleach, but will have you shouting declarations of love from rooftops after one use.
Application is simple, seeing that the packaging is identical to roll-on deodorant. You turn a small dial on the bottom of the container, cream oozes through the applicator’s three slits, and you apply the product in a thick layer. No product will get on your hands. I recommend starting with a test area before going to town on your whole pubic region, just to make sure you aren’t part of the one percent that will have their skin fall off.
Let this eat your hairs away for about seven minutes if your hair is coarse, three if your hair is fine. This is a great time to brush your teeth and wait for your shower water to warm up. Once your timer goes off, jump in the shower and gently wipe the cream away with a washcloth and warm water. Your skin will feel slippery smooth like a baby bottlenose dolphin.
Nair obviously isn’t organic or good for you in the long run (I mean, it can’t be) and I’m a bit wary of having such strong chemicals marinate so closely to my lymph nodes, but I honestly would rather face some toxicity than deal with shaving irritation. I’ve only experienced a minor chemical burn using Nair once – it was just a temporary stinging redness – after leaving the cream on longer than the recommended three to ten minutes. That was my own fault, but you should probably stay away from this if your skin is super sensitive.
Oh, and I also use this under my arms in an effort to minimize the shaving induced hyper-pigmentation. So far it’s working! Woo!
Now, let’s talk about pubes. Mine are nappy, and short-skirt season is making it more difficult to ignore them. Do you guys even bother with “female grooming”? That term makes me want to dry heave by the way…
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